


I'm sorry, now goodbye

by stardustchenle



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Goodbyes, Letters, Light Angst, M/M, Songfic, if we can even call it that, mark's graduation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 05:33:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17698601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustchenle/pseuds/stardustchenle
Summary: Hi Renjun, remember the first day we met?Mark is going back to Canada for college, and he leaves Renjun a letter to say goodbye.Inspiration and title from "Goodbye Summer" by f(x)





	I'm sorry, now goodbye

_Hi Renjun._

_remember the first day we met, when you saw me looking lost in the hallway and_ _approached me to ask if I needed help? I was so relieved when you did._

_I never told you, but I had watched Avengers the day before-_

 

that was one of the first things he had told him, actually. But Mark had always been bad with memory. How did he even managed to be a top student, that was still a mystery to Renjun.

 

_so I was already looking at you a bit from across the hallway because of that Iron Man necklace you were wearing._

 

Oh. That was new. He was surprised. He was moved that Mark still remembered that.

 

_I was scared you would have hated me when we got detention because we were still there talking when we should've been in class, but you started laughing as soon as Mrs. Park turned the corner (you had, and have, a really cute laugh, by the way)-_

 

cute laugh? what?

 

_and I was so relieved. I was also relieved that I met another foreign student as soon as I moved from Canada, even if korea was already basically your country of course, but I assume at first you must've felt as lost as me._

_You've always been a relief for me, now that I think about it. I guess I really already knew, deep down. Or not so deep. Am I rambling already? Hahah I'm sorry. And how many times have I said already already?_

 

Renjun let out a snicker. Mark was an idiot. Even if a quite adorable idiot, that is.

 

_Getting back on track, we kinda worked like the Breakfast Club! In detention once, and then the best of friends, always together._

 

Friends. Great. He hated that.

 

_I can't believe it's already been two years._

 

Renjun couldn't either.

 

_You cried so much on the day before graduation, during that sleepover at your house, even if you kept repeating you weren't and that it was just something in your eye. I tried to be the one to keep it in and think only about the positive memories we had, and it kinda worked, I think, you seemed to calm down a bit._

_But I heard you crying again at night, when we were both sleeping in your bed._

 

Oh.

 

_I figured you didn't wanna be heard so I didn't say anything, I just hugged you a bit tighter. The weather was already hot and we ended up sweating and it was probably very gross to you-_

 

It wasn't.

Okay, maybe a bit, but not when it was Mark, and if Renjun was needing it so much.

 

_but I hoped it made clear all that I've wanted to say,_

 

No, no it didn't. What did Mark want to say? And why did it sound like he still wanted to say it?

 

_if you even noticed I hugged you tighter, that is._

 

Of course he did, and Mark was a dumbass if he even considered the contrary. Renjun had just thought he was asleep.

 

_When I packed my luggage I found some of the polaroids we took this summer, or at least in the month we had before I had to leave. I look at them often._

 

Renjun did too, with the ones he had sneakily kept for himself. Mark probably noticed when he took them, but he never said anything or wanted them back.

 

_But I also look at the selfies we took or at the other photos on my phone, I'm not that old and boring like you always say!_

 

Renjun smiled and shook his head lightly.

 

_Those pictures look so happy, you look so happy, and I do too. We look like we'll be always together, and I'm sorry it won't be like that because of me. You could never guess that from only the photos, isn't it? We seem just like two friends-_

 

Friends.

 

_having fun, and I'll always cherish this past summer, even after saying goodbye. I'm sorry._

 

Renjun had an uneasy sensation growing in his chest. Why did he keep saying sorry. He remembered when Mark had told him that it was sort of a cliché for canadians to always apologise, but Renjun knew that this time Mark really thought it was his fault, when really it was Renjun's, if any.

 

_I don't really know what to say at this point,_

 

Renjun knew what he should've said before Mark left, instead. He should've asked for him to stay.

Maybe not really stay, he would've never wanted Mark to give up his dream university, but he should've taken the chance and confess his feelings, if he wasn't such a coward.

 

_but I feel like there is something missing._

 

Oh, there was. Renjun grimaced, angry at himself for not speaking up, for not hinting at the truth more, for having left everything hanging like that.

 

_Like something ended without even starting completely, if that makes sense?_

 

It did.

 

_Am I being too serious now, shit sorry._

 

Stop saying sorry.

 

_I wanted to tell you about another thing too. The song I played on graduation day before the ceremony, the one about being grateful for the memories and hoping to grow up and make more even after going separate ways. You told me you liked it a lot._

 

And he had. The song was sweet and melancholic, but happy about the past and hopeful about the new unknown future too. It was a great song, and Renjun felt that if he hadn’t already been crying he would’ve probably teared up.

 

_Well, I wrote it about you._

 

Oh.

 

_I started on the day I got the letter that told me I was accepted into uni in Toronto._

 

OH.

 

_I tried to tell you so many times after I got that letter that I was supposed to leave, but just couldn't bring myself to. But you've always been smart and I knew you would have figured out what was wrong and asked me about it sooner or later, and you did more or less after one week since I got the letter._

 

Renjun had thought something was wrong after only a couple of days of Mark acting weird, really, but he waited to see if something would happen.

 

_It was that day we went to the beach for a picnic and stayed there til it turned dark,_

 

He remembered that day, he had felt so at peace watching the early summer sea and just enjoyed being with Mark. It felt precious even just because it was the two of them together.

 

_and you asked me as we watched the sunset. You looked and sounded proud and happy when you heard, even when you said you were (not) gonna miss me, but it still felt like a goodbye. And now you can call me fake-deep all you want, but I thought that the sun going down and the deepening night sky were kind of a goodbye too, and that it was all coincidentally fitting._

 

_This feels like I wrote so much and I'm sorry if this is a monologue, but I guess that's what letters are supposed to be, right? I'm sorry again._

 

Renjun knew Mark wasn't apologising only about the monologue.

 

_And you probably have figured it out already, but oh actually, I love you, yeah. Maybe if I had confessed the feelings I kept secret for so long, things would've been different._

 

_I'm sorry. Now, goodbye._

 

Renjun's heart was racing in his chest. Mark was an idiot, Mark was a huge idiot, and Renjun was one just as much.

He checked the time on his phone, and saw that there was only less than an hour left before Mark would've gotten down from his plane, and he would've received a phone call from Renjun as soon as he stepped feet on land for sure.

 

How did he dare to say “I love you” for the first time like that? And why was he so dramatic, all full of only goodbyes and assumptions that they wouldn't have met again?

Skype calls existed, and so did social media and phones, even same old letters if Mark wanted to write others. They could've kept in contact, and Renjun maybe would've been accepted into a uni in Toronto too, he had heard there was a great arts one. They could still try to start.

 

Renjun was just as much at fault for not confessing, he knew that. He was sorry too, just as much as Mark. But he felt it wasn't their time to say goodbye yet.

**Author's Note:**

> third work for this year's AllRenzine is done, next three coming for valentine's day! I'm not really 100% satisfied with the ending, so I hope you still liked it.  
> let me know what you thought, and come send me vine references on [twitter](https://twitter.com/stardustchenle)


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